
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12431319.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Sirius_Black/Harry_Potter, Past_Sirius_Black/James_Potter
  Additional Tags:
      Underage_-_Freeform, rape/noncon, Mental_Illness, Sex, Anal_Sex
  Collections:
      2017_Sirius_Black_Fest
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-11-08 Words: 1623
****** What You Do When You Love Someone ******
by NachoDontDoThat_(NachoDiablo), Sirius_Black_Mods
Summary
     It’s true that Sirius often gets confused these days, especially when
     he’s been hitting the firewhisky a little too hard. Especially when
     the dreams come, and he can’t tell what is true, what is false. What
     is happening now, what is a memory, what never happened at all.
Everyone always talks about how alike they are, Harry and him, but Sirius
doesn’t see it.
Certainly, Harry’s the spit of him, as far as appearances go. Other than that,
however, only Sirius can see how different they are.
It’s true that Sirius often gets confused these days, especially when he’s been
hitting the firewhisky a little too hard. Especially when the dreams come, and
he can’t tell what is true, what is false. What is happening now, what is a
memory, what never happened at all.
The first time it happened was a few days after Harry first showed up at his
bint mother’s house. Sirius had been sleeping, or maybe he had been awake the
whole time. In his room, overwhelmed by the firewhisky and the dead, begging
those lifeless eyes to stop, just please stop looking at him like that, stop
accusing him of all the things he knows he’s guilty of.
Sirius? Are you alright?
He’s not sure how Harry had ended up in his room. The warmth and weight of
Harry’s hand on his arm, the concern in the green eyes that peered into his
own... He had been sure of that.
Please. I need- please.
Sirius, why are you- oh Merlin, what-
Harry had seemed confused when Sirius had pulled him closer, running his hands
up under his shirt and through his hair. He had been shaking a bit, pushing at
Sirius’ chest, attempting to create space.
Sirius, I don’t understand, I-
Please. I need- I love you. I need this. Please.
Harry hadn’t made a fuss when Sirius had guided him over to the bed, sliding
his nightshirt up over his head and pushing him down to lie on his back. He
hadn’t said a word as Sirius’ fingers and lips and teeth and tongue had worked
their way over the smooth contours of his skinny chest. Harry had lain still
and quiet, allowing Sirius to work his way down to his pants.
Back at school, Sirius had never been allowed to touch freely like this. Their
couplings only happened after they’d had a few too many drinks, or at least
enough that they could pretend to be drunker than they were. They’d both wanted
it, every time, Sirius always told himself after that they’d both wanted it,
but Sirius had not been the one allowed to touch.
Sirius, no! We can’t, this isn’t right-
Shhhh. It’s alright. I love you. Please let me. It’ll feel good, I promise. I
love you so much, I’ll make you feel so good.
Trembling hands had moved away from the waistband of Harry’s pants and allowed
Sirius to continue sliding them off. Harry hadn’t been hard, not at first, but
it was fine. Sirius kissed and stroked and whispered soothing words. Soon
enough, he had Harry’s cock spurting in his mouth.
Harry had gasped, one fist pressed against his mouth, the other gripping the
sheets. He’d had his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Those eyes hadn’t opened, not
until Sirius had moved back up on the bed to curl around Harry, wrapping an arm
around him, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
You’re beautiful when you come, you know. Thank you for letting me- for wanting
me. I just needed to show you that I love you. You need to know how much I love
you.
Harry’s eyes had looked up at him, wide and watery. Sirius had pulled him
closer, burying his face in that mess of black hair.
Back at school, there had been no cuddling. After they’d gotten off- after he’d
gotten off- Sirius would be left in his bed, cold and alone. Harry hadn’t left,
though. He had let Sirius hold him, had stayed until Sirius fell asleep. Maybe
longer than that. Sirius can never be completely sure when he has faded from
reality into dreams.
The second time it happened, Harry had not come to chase away the demons.
Sirius had tried explaining to Remus and Lily that no, it wasn’t him, he would
never, it was the rat the whole time, but they had only laughed at him
mockingly, dissolving in and out of the draperies.
Sirius had made his way to Harry’s room, trying to be quiet as he’d stumbled a
bit in the hall. The door had been bolted, but a Marauder can always get past
any lock.
Sirius! How did you- We can’t do it again, please don’t make me-
I would never! I would never force you, you know that. I’ll never hurt you. I
just- I need you. I need you so badly, need you more than anything, nothing
else- please, just let me show you-
The bedcovers had lowered slightly from their position under Harry’s chin.
Sirius had sat himself down on the bed, reaching a hand up to cup Harry’s face
gently, running his thumb against the fine cheekbone.
Harry hadn’t said anything while Sirius had undressed him, slowly and
reverently, trailing kisses down his chest and murmuring assurances against his
ear.
He had remained silent while Sirius had stripped himself of his own robes and
stretched out over Harry, pressing their bodies together, grinding down against
Harry’s bony hips, reaching between them to grab hold of their cocks, moaning
and begging and whimpering into Harry’s neck.
Harry hadn’t made a sound until he came, arching up against Sirius and spurting
across his stomach. His strangled cry had pushed Sirius over the edge, had made
Sirius thrust faster against the slick come, had caused Sirius to shout as he
came as well, with one hand gripping Harry’s hair, pulling his head back to
expose that pale white throat.
I’m sorry, Sirius, I can’t… I shouldn’t have- we can’t keep doing this, I don’t
want-
It’s alright. It’s perfectly natural, to want it. I won’t tell anyone about
this, and neither will you. It’ll be between us, alright? Something special for
just the two of us. I love you so much, you know that, don’t you?
But…
It feels good, doesn’t it? You like it, I can tell. It’s alright to like it.
Come here, stop trembling. Let me hold you. Let me make it better.
Back at school, Sirius had not been allowed to cry out when he came. It was
always a hurried, fumbling affair, rushed and muffled. He had not liked it when
Sirius made too much noise, or called out his name, or did anything else that
reminded him that it was a bloke underneath him. He hadn’t wanted to think
about the fact that it was Sirius he was fucking.
Sirius went along with it, took whatever he was given, no matter how small.
Even when it was rough and painful, even when he got pitying stares from Remus
and Peter the next morning, because that’s what you do. That’s what you do when
you love someone.
Harry doesn’t ask anything of Sirius, not after Sirius has calmed him down.
Harry doesn’t press his hand against Sirius’ mouth, or hiss at him to stop
making so much noise. Harry doesn’t wish that Sirius was someone else. Not like
he used to. He never said, but Sirius could always tell.
Harry might look like him, but they aren’t the same. This isn’t the same as it
was back then. This is different.
It’s the evening before Harry returns to Hogwarts. As he spells away the lock
and slips through Harry’s door, Sirius realizes that he’s stopped counting how
many times this has happened. The thought makes him smile as he makes his way
over to Harry’s bed.
Harry is lying under the covers, still and silent. Sirius places a gentle kiss
to his forehead as he pulls back the sheets and starts undressing them both.
Harry doesn’t say a word, but he doesn’t have to. Sirius knows what Harry
wants, what he needs.
He is careful, as always, as he slicks his fingers with lube and stretches
Harry open, stroking his thigh, licking and sucking along his hip. He takes his
time pushing his way inside, allowing Harry time to adjust before he begins
moving, slowly at first, then picking up the pace as he rolls his hips and
thrusts rhythmically. He makes sure to angle himself so that his cock hits
Harry’s prostate with unerring precision, based on the way Harry inhales
sharply and squeezes his eyes shut.
Harry is hot and tight around his cock. He is looking to the side, staring at
the wall, allowing Sirius to lick and nip his way up that pale column of neck
that he loves so much. Sirius hitches one of Harry’s legs up higher, allowing
him to go in deeper, to get them as close as possible.
When Sirius feels his orgasm closing in, he moves his hand down to stroke
Harry’s cock, making sure that Harry comes first, just as he does every time
they’re together. Sirius always makes sure that Harry is taken care of before
he worries about himself.
Once his hand is coated with the warm stickiness Harry’s come, Sirius licks his
fingers clean and thrusts harder, faster, deeper, shuddering as his cock pulses
deep inside of Harry, filling him up, warm endearments spilling from his lips
as he fists that maddening mess of hair.
Back in school, they never fucked face to face like this. Sirius was never
allowed to watch him come, was only allowed to show his back as he came
himself.
Back in school, Sirius was never allowed to say the things he says now, the
promises and assurances he gives to the black-haired boy lying underneath him.
I love you. I never stopped. Never will. I love you so much, James. Forever. I
love you.
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